Reasons I’m still a milkmaid

Despite the fact that Health Canada recommends breastfeeding until your kid is 2 or even older, it’s still not super common to nurse a 16-month-old. Part of me is proud for continuing to offer nature’s best, and feels no shame at all, especially since the neighborhood I live in is full of women openly nursing their bigger babies. Ridiculously, though, part of me feels mortified, especially when flight attendants stop in their tracks and ask, “How old IS he?” After I lie and whimper, “6 months, but he has an overactive pituitary gland. OKAY??” these are the reasons that go through in my head.*

1. I am a little afraid of what will happen to my breasts when I stop. I must admit, they were at one time one of my nicest features, and although they have suffered a titch in the elasticity department, they are still okay. Mostly because there’s some milk in there providing a bit of buoyancy. The milk is kind of like having a set of falsies. Which I am unwilling to remove from my push-up bra.
2. It keeps my drinking in check.
3. I am pretty sure that’s why my son didn’t get the swine flu when every single person around us had it. When I said that to my husband he suggested I wet nurse for cash in the vaccination lineup outside the mall, but I do have some boundaries.
4. Man, I JUST figured it out! I think that society gives us a very conflicting message about breastfeeding. First off, there is tremendous pressure to do it. It can be very challenging for many women, yet they persevere, through mastitis, cracked nipples, and pumping in the staff bathroom. In my case, I spent three months affixing a fake silicone nipple to my breast before my son would even consider latching. Also for a long time we needed our Special Pillow and Special Blanket and Special Chair and Glass of Water and Remote Control. And then, just as soon as we get the hang of it, and no longer have to do it 12 times a day, and could pretty much breastfeed while hanging from the monkey bars and practising the violin, people start up with the old, “Oh! Thinking about weaning?” Deep breathing.
5. Its my only edge. Look, I can’t make truck noises or roughhouse worth a damn. LET ME HAVE THE BOOBS.

*Other than healthy blah blah bonding blah blah.

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