evolutionary explanations for exasperating etiquette

If there’s anything I truly love, it’s finding scientific justification for my child’s difficult behavior. Not only is it endlessly fascinating for a dork like me, but it allows me to blame something/someone other than myself for my child’s difficult behavior.  See, it’s not me, it’s MOTHER NATURE! So there!

Here’s to hoping that these little tidbits bring you as much reassurance as they bring me.

1. Separation anxiety. Sometimes it feels a bit exasperating when you can’t even walk over to the trash can on the other side of the park without your child dissolving into hysterics. No, your child is not clingy and maladapted. It’s just that she has evolved to understand that screaming bloody murder will keep her from being left behind to get picked off by a sabre-tooth tiger. Or she knows that you’ll cave and give her what she want (my Dora doll! your boob in my mouth!) lest the screaming continue and cause us ALL to get picked off by sabre-tooth tigers.
2. Picky eating. Look, if a three-year-old is abandoned in the woods and left to forage, THEY don’t know what’s poisonous! So it’s best to avoid most things (i.e. everything green and therefore potentially dangerous) and eat what you KNOW is safe (i.e. Cheerios, mandarin oranges by the crate).
3. Aggression has long been the animal kingdom’s way of securing resources and territory. So it actually makes perfect sense that your (ahem, my) toddler, who has yet to learn the great art of self-regulation, behaves like Attila the Hun when other children have the nerve–the NERVE!–to come within a 15-food-radius of his toy digger.
4. Dr. Jekyll for everyone else, Mr. Hyde for you. Ever wonder why your child throws a screaming fit the second you arrive to pick her up at day care, only to be told that “she was PERFECT all day!” Kind of makes you feel like a loser, doesn’t it? Well, you’re no loser. See, your kid knows that no matter what she does, you will love her unconditionally, and that’s why once you show up, she feels free to, um, let loose a little bit. She understands perfectly well that even if she turfs your iphone in the toilet (again) you won’t reject her. But Miss Debbie the babysitter? Little Annabelle knows that she’s only as good as her last deed, and could very well be a phone call away from the Great Daycare Dismissal. So she’d best behave. After all, Miss Debbie has that kick-ass Barbie mansion, and Goldfish crackers at snacktime. Annabelle doesn’t want to mess with a good thing. It’s only natural that evolution favour children who are wise enough to make that distinction.
5. Annoying copycat behavior. So, one of your child’s first words is “f–k”? Well, he’s just showing you that he understands the importance of sharing culture. After all, he wants to fit in, not be rejected by the tribe! You’re lucky to have offspring that grasps this important concept!

So if your child displays these tendencies, congratulations. Your child is demonstrating all the characteristics that are favoured by natural selection! So next time you look wistfully at all the other well-behaved children, who don’t seem to be displaying separation anxiety or Jekyll and Hyde tendencies or truly shocking potty mouths, just smile to yourself and repeat after me:

“Darwin.”

Feels good, doesn’t it?